I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
