Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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