the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
