youre lurking in front of me
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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