Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
