What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
