I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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