that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
