I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
