Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
