Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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