The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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