Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize