I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
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