Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
