just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
