i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
