I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
