How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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