my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
