My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
