When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
