After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
