Where are you?
In a non slutty way
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
be right there i have to get my cape
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
