put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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