we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
