i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
