The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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