so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize
