I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
