aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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