the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Found your dick twin last night
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
