So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
