I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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