Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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