My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
