so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
