some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
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