i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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