come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
