I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My cat gives me a boner
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
