you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
