i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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