I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
