Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Randomize
