I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize