After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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