Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The uberlube is also flammable
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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