Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
