Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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