So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
