He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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