my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
