I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
