Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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