She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
