I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
